It’s been five years since…..

Yes, that’s how long I have been stable. No admittance to the psyche ward or some call it lala land. It was 5 years ago that I was taken to the hospital emergency room then the mental ward. I’m not proud of it but I’m just glad that I’ve been compliant in taking my medication and feeling much better.

I’m not painting anymore like I use to because I lost interest. I don’t feel or hear voices anymore. My so called friends. The voices inspired me to paint. I could paint and listen to the radio until the 3 am. I would say I was kind of manic when I painted. I didn’t want to sleep. I enjoyed it. But now, it’s like if I was to paint, nothing will come out and I don’t feel anything. I kind of miss them.

I don’t know if you ever felt like that. That you were connected to some other world. Mine was the music and art world. Music was part of my painting. I couldn’t be creative without the music on the radio.

It’s not normal. The way that I was. It was fun and sometimes scary but to me now, it wasn’t normal. I neglected my responsibilities as a wife and mother. Not cleaning the house and talking to my kids and husband. And most of my cooking was burnt. But they are so understanding about it and supported me through it all. It’s hard when I look back, because I feel sorry for my kids to experience that kind of life.

Depression, Not Good To Dwell On

It’s not good to look back or dwell on your past. Sometimes it’s hard not to, because thoughts just jump into your mind and you have no control over it. Even when you want to think positive, sometimes negative thoughts over rule them. That’s what’s happening to me. I would rewind the tape in my head of what happened to me and then get depressed. Sometimes this heavy feeling just over shadows me that I can’t breath well. So what I do to make me feel better, I go swimming at the beach. The water is nice and cool. The sun shining, it’s just a whole lot better of a feeling than sitting down and thinking. I do a few strokes, float on my back and thank God for the beautiful beach and ocean that he provides. Everytime I do this, I feel better and can take on my chores with a lighter and fresher feeling.

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